It was amonth ago I found that my vasectomy has been successful, which has been great, but i still have not received any notification from my doctor about the operation.

Ok, so I have not been chasing them with the doctor, but I have always thought (and it is written in the booklets you get from the NHS) that the process involved you being informed by the doctor when the results are in, even if it’s by mail. Hopefully this is just a one off, and hopefully you guys out there hoping to have th eop done will not have any issues at all.

All the same it would have been nice to have been told properly.

Whilst I would ike to think that getting hold of them were easy, or that I would even have them if I were not chasing them, I can say that it was a pain in the arse and the results could still be lost for all my doctors know.

Rather than go too much into detail I have just basically transcribed the phonecalls, it all started with a voicemail telling me I am ‘normal’…

Conversation 1: The Doctors.

‘Hello, you left a voicemail about my results being normal, I would just like to double check that’
‘No problem, yes the result is normal’
‘Normal for what, a person who has or has not had a vasectomy?’
‘It is just normal’
‘So is does that mean my vasectomy was a success?’
‘No it means you blood test is normal’
‘What blood test?’
‘The one in july 2007′
‘But I am waiting for, and called you on friday for, vasectomy results’
‘We cannot give you results over the phone’
‘You just gave me blood test results’
‘Yes, be are not allowed to give you results over the phone’
‘???’
‘you will need to speak directly to the doctor, call tomorrow morning’
‘Are the results actually availiable?’
‘We cant tell you the results’
‘Ok, I dont want to know the results, but if I call tomorrow do you have results that the doctor can give me?’
‘No’
‘So you don’t actually have the results you are not allowed to give me?’
‘No’
‘Ok, Thankyou for your extremely helpful assistance!’

Conversation 2: The Surgeon.

‘Hello, I’m calling for results’
‘Are you a patient here?’
‘No I was referred there for the surgery only’
‘We are not allowed to talk to you if your not our patient’
‘Do you have any results for me?’
‘…’
‘Hello?’
‘…’

Conversation 3: The Andrology Department.

‘Hello, I am after my results’
‘Certainly sir, how long ago was the sample taken?’
‘Over 2 weeks ago, it was my second sample’
‘Have you spoken to your Doctor?’
‘No, hey have not got the results and are not that helpful, the surgeons office cannot give them to me either hence calling you directly.’
‘No problem sir, Unfortunatly we are not allowed to give you results over the phone.’
‘oh, ok, can I come in and get them then?’
‘Well as you are aware you will need to have another sample taken if the first results were not successful, whilst I cannot give you results I can tell you that we will not be needing to see you again.’
‘Excellent, so I take it I am now officially firing blanks.’
‘Yes that would one way of putting it’

So after all that the vasectomy was a success.

Well done if you have read this far, I can assure you it was even more tedious actually trying to get the results. Although I am hopeful that my own doctors will call in about 12 months time to inform me of it’s success!

Still no results and over 2 weeks since the second sample would have been tested.

I gave my doctor a call to enquire about the test results and got through to the receptionist who informed me that no results had been sent back for me at all.

I offered to contact the office of the surgeon who performed the op, but she decided to better that and log into my records at the hospital where she should have been able to see records of my visit, even if the results could not be seen.

Alas I don’t have any records on the system, which dissappointed me and puzzled her anyway, I am now awaiting a call back at some point to tell me I exist, and hopefully some results.

On a good note, the uncomfortable pain experienced in my testicle last week has now subsided and the swelling has gone. Hopefully the end of it.

2 weeks on and I have not had any response with regards to the sperm tests. I will need to phone the doctor anyway as I have developed a bit of pain in my right testicle.

I am assuming that it is all related to the vasectomy but my right testile has swollen a little, is very tender and sitting higher and more forward than he used to, probably due to the swelling behind it. I am not over worried at the moment but if the tenderness continues then I envisage a trip back to the surgeon to let him have a quick feel. Ibuprofen on standby… Again!

Looking on the internet there are quite a few references to ‘sperm granulomas‘, basically sperm backing up inside the balls. I am guessing its like those Tom and Jerry cartoons with a finger inside a ballooning hosepipe. Apparently this can happen in a large number of men, with the percentage being up to 40%, so this is a real possibility.

I will be calling them by the end of the week to chase results, and hopefully may get a bit of insight into the probably pain in the balls.

Today was second sample day, thankfully I had the sample pot from the first visit, which I would heartily recommend as it is much easier to produce in the comfort of your own home.

You cant tell me that pot doesn’t get you aroused

Sneaking back into the reproductive clinic was much better than my last experience and having a sample to hand meant it was just a case of knocking on the midget hatch and handing it over.

Unfortunatly the obligatory good looking nurse behind the hatch was not there straight away, so I had to endure 5 minutes with some guy disgruntled about having to provide specimens (paternity tests??) upon courts decisions.

Well at least its all done, I am nearly there, the next step is the confirmation that its all good and that hopefully will be the end of my vasectomy experience!

Well as of yet there is still no contact from the doc’s telling me whether the vasectomy was a success or not. Reading through the note from the clinic it does state that 2 tests will be carried out, but speaking to the doctor who performed the surgery I was left with the impression that a successful first test is all it takes for confirmation.

I have my little pot ready and waiting for my next sample, this time to be produced in the comfort of my own home, maybe with a little ‘visual stimulus’ for assistance, and I am thinking along the lines of my doc following the book and is waiting for 2 samples before confirming success.

But what if it does mean the op was not successful? I have heard of the occasional ‘third tube’ that scuppers the op. Will I have to undergo surgery again? probably. Do I really want to be doing all that again? certainly not. Am I reading too much into it and worrying needlessly? most likely.

My next deposit is booked for the end of next week so I will have to wait and see.

Well today I had to pop along to the hospital for to give a sample and find out whether the vasectomy has been a success. The past few days I have been a little apprehensive, with sperm sample jokes coming thick and fast from the wife and friends.

For some reason everybody seems to relate to the sperm donor scene in road trip http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkkjkwXAyl0, funny, but not at all removing any nervous anxiety!!

Anyway, turning up to the hospitals ‘reproductive medicine’ unit I walk to the reception, with it being full of people it is a very quiet me that speaks to the receptionist, who promtly points to the door on the opposite side of the room and announces ‘The sample clinic is through that door’…. Great start.

The clinic is more of a tiny, slightly shabby, white room with another door and a 1ft x 1ft square hatch in the wall that you have to bend over to speak through. Probably the prettiest nurse in the building is on the other side, obviously a midget as she can see through the hatch, and asks for my paperwork and whether I have a sample.

No sample miss nurse, just the paperwork.

A ‘yogurt pot’ appears on the ledge with the request to go through the second door and wait for instruction on the other side. Through the door a smaller room, with yet another door and hatch. The second hatch opens and the instructions were given.

“Please enter the sample room and masturbate into the pot”

Entering the sample room, slightly larger yet just as shabby as the enterance, a sink on the wall, a couple of wipe clean chairs and a small table with a pile of pornographic magazines, immidiatly referred to as the ‘Ejaculation Station’.

At this point I start to laugh, stood there with my pot there was no way of getting the desired results and knowing that the nurses were awaiting my sample and there was at least one more guy waiting for the room there was no pressure what so ever to perform.

I will admit it took a while but against all odds a sample was produced and handed over through the second hatch. Back at the first hatch I was offered the option of producing the next sample in a month either back at the hospital or at home and hastily left the building clutching my second yogurt pot for a use later date. I am sure the other patients in the waiting room were all watching me, knowing what I had just been doing.

Slightly surreal, feeling a little ‘dirty’ but more amused than anything there is no way I am going to repeat that experience. Hopefully the test will come back all good and I dont have to hand in any more samples at all, will have to wait and see.

After a few beers with friends, one of which is newly aquainted with fatherhood, I was asked when I was having more kids. “not me” I replied, “I have had it snipped”. Well that opened the doors for a whole host of questions most of which are answered below.Did it hurt, was there any bruising?
Hell yes, and the bruising was huge but the end result is going to be worth it.

How do they do it?
The doc tapes your cock out of the way to your belly and cuts his way into the balls with a pair of small scissors. That way they can call it a ’scalpel less procedure’.

Were you anesthatised?
Local anesthetic was injected into my balls before the operation, I could still feel everything but there was no pain. It is very surreal feeling your balls being tugged, cut and cauterised with no pain.

Does it smell?
An extractor takes any fumes away, but occasionally you can smell a very acrid burning flesh. Its quite grim.

Can I get it up?
No problems there

Does the ‘man juice’ still flow?
Yes there is no difference in the man juice at all.

Can I still shag?
Yes but wait until the swelling has gone down a little first.

Do I really have to ejaculate loads before haveing a sperm test?
Apparently yes, 3 times a week either with or without the wifes help, prefereably with.

Does a nurse help with the sperm test?
Probably not, although with my luck if they do it will be the ugly one.

What about daily life?
Tight pants rule the day, I love tight pants, If one pair is not tight enough wear two.

Would I recommend it?
Its your decision, not mine, but if it works then yes.

The last month has flown by without much thought given to my testicles. Its about 3 months since having the snip and I have pretty much healed.  However there are a couple of noticeable things. The scarring inside my balls is still evident, but now the lumps feel much smaller,  and every now and then without warning there is a little pain as if I have been kicked in the groin.

Imagine it a little like bollock cramp.

On the bright side the hair has fully recovered and no longer requires constant adjustment to provide relief,  now it is genuinly me just playing with my balls

In a few weeks time I have the test to see if any little soldiers have survived and then I shall see whether this has been a success or not. I sincerely hope so as I don’t really want to have another op to fix it.

… Ignore any sense of fully healed just yet and DO NOT enter the bedroom, naked after a shower, with a pelvic thrust to make the missus laugh.

 Tenderness is almost gone, just don’t push it!